Cepholopod essay...

[Octomush]

Hi tonmoers! I have this essay due on monday for my 7th grade class and I was wondering if anybody had anything to add or see any mistakes. I hope you like it! (Sorry if it sucks lol!)

Itch​

Here is an itch on the huge, putrid; hairy back of society that most probably haven’t considered, but never the less it needs to be.
Imagine this… Your sitting at home one day doing some spring cleaning, when all of the sudden a huge pointed metal rod is shoved through your door right smack dab in the middle of your chest. I know what you’re thinking…. Ouch! I know but that’s not even half of it. Next you grab the rod with your arms and desperately trying to pull yourself free while thinking “OH SMOKES I’M SCREWED!!!”
You huff and puff and even soil yourself you’re so scared. Right about now you’re probably wondering… How could it get any worse? Well, I’ll tell you. Then the rod suddenly lurches backwards with immense force (I can tell you this much, It probably feels about 20 times as painful as having your tooth pulled without drugs). You flail your arms desperately trying to grab anything in sight, you manage to grab onto the wall but your being pulled so hard it rips your hand right out of your socket. I bet that stings like heck! And as if you weren’t in enough pain as it is, a huge hand descend on you and rips you of the pole and places you roughly in small net sack made with really itchy, abrasive fibers; with about 6 other people. It’s really, really cramped.
The next thing you know you’re on a strange dry alien world with no air. You sputter and cough up some blood. “Uuuunghh….” You moan in a dry parched raspy voice. Then comes the sudden realization that you can’t breath, you gasp for breath but no oxygen comes to your lungs, instead dry, parched, hot, sand fills them. Then you lie there writhing in pain among the other gasping blood encrusted people. And the last thought to go through your head is… “Oh sweet mother earth I wish I had some water.”
Disturbing isn’t? Yes that’s exactly what intelligent cephalopods like octopi cuttles all to often have to endure because of mankinds twisted greed for octopus rings and dried cuttlefish and squid snacks. If you still can’t see after that quite graphic narrative of the hunting of octopus that eating intelligent cephalopods is immoral and depraved maybe this will change your mind.
Jacque-Yves Cousteau was the greatest underwater explorer of all time and through twenty years of cephalopod research he had come to trust our clever, soft; many armed friends. His experiences taught him that; cephalopods were far from the nightmarish creatures of legends denounced by Victor Hugo and many other writers. In fact they are just the opposite! These fascinating creatures are shy, playful, and highly intelligent-and if anything, mans second best aquatic friend (dolphins are first). And as Cousteau puts it in his book Octopus and Squid the soft Intelligence, The graceful ballerinas of the sea… Or something to that affect. I mean COME ON PEOPLE they can open JARS and BEFRIEND PEOPLE, what more do you want? So if you won’t take it from me take it from Jacque, CEPHOLOPODS ARE SMART!
Now if that didn’t change your mind I only have two things to say to you. You are a fat monster and… May god have mercy upon your lost and evil soul. To the rest of you so long! And it is as I always say… Pity the cephalopod eating abomination, for he is lost in this world, and cursed to forever roam it with the burden of a tainted, evil, and corrupt soul.

 

[dawnchihuahua]

Hehe very creative The only mistake I can spot is when you say

"the sudden realization that you can’t breath, you gasp " it should be "breathe" not "breath" Otherwise looks great!

 

[Octomush]

Wow thanks! No way I would have spotted that on my own... lol

 

[Squidman]

... Is the teacher a guy or gal?
Just wondering...

Teacher:
"Ahhh, the last essay to grade. 'Itch.' Clever title... 'Putrid, hairy back of society?' this sure is different. Oh, my GOSH! This is violent, yet I can't stop reading it! Oh, wow, this is graphic... "

Squidman:
Great essay, Octomush. Marvelous imagery. Let me tell you, you'll either get an A+ or an F-. That depends on whether the teacher has good taste or not.

Squidman gives YOU an A+!

(and twenty extra credit points for the "putrid, hairy back of society" part)

 

[Octomush]

LOL! Thanks a ton! My teachers a gal... But unfortunately I have to redo practically the entire thing because she just gave us some new directions she failed to give before ... lol oh well.

 

[GPO87]

Dude, you gotta post the reversion, because you made some excellent points. Loved the creativity. Gramatically, you may want to check your commas once you're done, besides that I'd have to give you an A too, unless your teacher doens't enjoy a good role playing story! Very nice!

 

[Octomush]

Thanks dude! I'm working on it right now...

 

[Octomush]

Here's the finished product. Which by the way may be considerably worse... Although not much has changed.

Essay​

It was Saturday in Hawaii and the sun was shining like crazy, so I decided to invite my friend Evan over, to go snorkeling at the local point. We packed up our stuff… A jar or two, some small nets, and the usual snorkel gear. We were hoping to catch something for my new 75-gallon fish tank maybe if we were lucky even an octopus. We rode our bikes to the entrance to the dirt path leading down to the point and began walking our bikes from there. At the very end of the path a family had set up a canopy over the exit and set up their chairs, blankets, bags, trash, coolers, themselves, and a bag of writhing octopus right in the center of everything. We then tried to maneuver our bikes through their camp to get out onto the tiny beach and get geared up. Trying to be friendly I asked a women who looked like the toddlers that were running around our legs mother “Are those octopus in that bag?”
“No those are squid! Octopus are da’ deep ocean kind!” I could swear I heard her mumble the words “Stupid kid.”
I felt like strangling her. But I didn’t. I just stood there dumbfounded and said “Cool...”
Later after snorkeling I could recall seeing only one octopus. One year later I returned to the point but this time there was nothing left… Just a bunch of trash. Not even the greedy spear fishers could find anything, the point was completely desolate. These are the affects of spear fishers coming every day and hunting octopus. There is no limit on how many you can catch only on the weight, which is one pound; that pretty much only rules out the babies. I believe that the eating of intelligent cephalopods must altogether stop or more limits be put on their hunting. Here’s some more on the topic…
Imagine this… You're sitting at home one day doing some spring cleaning, when all of the sudden a huge pointed metal rod is shoved through your door right smack dab in the middle of your chest. I know what you’re thinking…. Ouch! I know but that’s not even half of it. Next you grab the rod with your arms and desperately trying to pull yourself free while thinking “OH SMOKES I’M SCREWED!!!”
You huff and puff and even soil yourself you’re so scared. Right about now you’re probably wondering… How could it get any worse? Well, I’ll tell you. Then the rod suddenly lurches backwards with immense force (I can tell you this much, It probably feels about 20 times as painful as having your tooth pulled without drugs). You flail your arms desperately trying to grab anything in sight, you manage to grab onto the wall but your being pulled so hard it rips your hand right out of your socket. I bet that stings like heck! And as if you weren’t in enough pain as it is, a huge hand descend on you and rips you of the pole and places you roughly in small net sack made with really itchy, abrasive fibers; with about 6 other people. It’s really, really cramped.
The next thing you know you’re on a strange dry alien world with no air. You sputter and cough up some blood. “Uuuunghh….” You moan in a dry parched raspy voice. Then comes the sudden realization that you can’t breath, you gasp for breathe but no oxygen comes to your lungs, instead dry, parched, hot, sand fills them. Then you lie there writhing in pain among the other gasping blood encrusted people. And the last thought to go through your head is… “Oh sweet mother earth I wish I had some water.”
Disturbing isn’t? Yes that’s exactly what intelligent cephalopods like octopi cuttles all to often have to endure because of mankinds twisted greed for octopus rings and dried cuttlefish and squid snacks. If you still can’t see after my little story, and that quite graphic narrative of the hunting of octopus that eating intelligent cephalopods is immoral and depraved, and can make you a bad person maybe; this will change your mind.
Jacque-Yves Cousteau was the greatest underwater explorer of all time and through twenty years of cephalopod research he had come to trust our clever, soft; many armed friends. His experiences taught him that; cephalopods were far from the nightmarish creatures of legends denounced by Victor Hugo and many other writers. In fact they are just the opposite! These fascinating creatures are shy, playful, and highly intelligent-and if anything, mans second best aquatic friend (dolphins are first). And as Cousteau puts it in his book Octopus and Squid the soft Intelligence, The graceful ballerinas of the sea… Or something to that affect. I mean COME ON PEOPLE they can open JARS and BEFRIEND PEOPLE, what more do you want? So if you won’t take it from me take it from Jacque, CEPHOLOPODS ARE SMART!
Now if that didn’t change your mind I only have two things to say to you. You are a fat monster and… May god have mercy upon your lost and evil soul. To the rest of you so long! And it is as I always say… Pity the cephalopod eating abomination, for he is lost in this world, and cursed to forever roam it with the burden of a tainted, evil, and corrupt soul.
If cephalopods interest you or you think I’m right on the mark about this topic, you might want to go online and check the website www.TONMO.com (The Octopus News Magazine Online) Or go to your local library and check out a copy of Octopus and Squid the soft Intelligence by Jacque-Yves Cousteau and Philippe Diole. Or alternatively watch one of national geographic specials on cephalopods.

NOTE: If this essay is offensive in any way to anyone, I humbly apologize.

 

[Jean]

GO OM!!


One editorial note though,

Where you say "Imagine this......your sitting...." it should be "you're sitting...." OK? My teachers ALWAYS picked up on this stuff!

J

 

[Octomush]

Excellent thanks! Any one else care to add their ?

 

[Squidman]

Ooh! Me! Me! The revised edition is great! The teacher, needless to say, will be somewhat offended, if not completely berserk over the horrible violence in that narrative.

Do not be offended, but my prediction is that she will not be too happy. But remember this: You can WRITE, Mr. Spinak. If she slaps a big red F on your paper, try to be polite. Trust me. I'm in middle school too, and my teachers cannot stand students unhappy with their grades. Bottom line, you don't deserve an F, but you might get one.

 

[Octomush]

LOL! Thanks pal!