[TONMO exclusive] New method to hunt giant squid announced!

[Phil]

Breaking news: New method to hunt Giant Squid

The East Grinstead Sentinel (early edition) carried an interesting development this morning.

In an exclusive interview with Dr S O’S of the New Zealand Oceanographic Institute for Marine Research, he has revealed a new plan to film Architeuthis dux in its natural environment using the power of ‘music’.

The plan builds on that of last year’s Japanese expedition run by Drs. Kubodera and Mori who successfully managed to take 550 pictures of the elusive animal using a camera with a baited line. Dr S O’S’s plan goes one step further.

“I intend to lure the squid not only with bait but with the power of music,” he informed our intrepid reporter. “I intend to use the same camera and line device but replace the bait with a weighted model of Neil Diamond, and use an underwater sound system to play his music".

According to the doctor, tests using an experimental rig consisting of a hydrophone and specially designed loudspeakers on Loligo vulgaris have demonstrated that squid are attracted to lounge music. The theory works that the acoustics of Neil Diamond songs are amplified and distorted by the surrounding pressure, density, and salinity of the surrounding water, ultimately detected and interpreted by squid as a remarkable semblance to that of a large shoal of krill.

The model of Neil Diamond suspended on the line will be composed of a squeezable rubber and packed full of fish-heads and copepods. Once drawn in by Neil’s eclectic mixture of lounge electro-pop, Architeuthis will proceed to massage the model of the talented songwriter forcing food out of a slit in the models mouth, whilst the camera snaps away.

“In my tests so far, Loligo have responded well to "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" and “Song Sung Blue”, but for Architeuthis I intend to up the ante somewhat. I am most hopeful for “Sweet Caroline”."

Rumours that the internationally accepted method of measuring squid lengths by Mantle Lengths (ML’s) are to be replaced by comparison to a standard 1954 Routemaster Double-Decker Bus length (BL’s) are thought to be wildly inaccurate. Dr S O’S would make no comment.

 

[bobwonderbuns]

 

[tonmo]

Nice one, Phil!

 

[chrono_war01]

I knew it!


April fools, eh?

 

[sorseress]

Does it have to be a rubber model? Oh right, you can keep refilling the model. The real thing would just get eaten.

 

[aximbigfan]

you got me...


chris

 

[Steve O'Shea]

...... I would so love to relay this on camera; there are three opportunities to do so this month!

 

[corw314]

I love this site.................

 

[jc45]

+ =

 

[cuttlegirl]

Steve,

Are you sure you are OK with letting an archie eat Neil??? Shouldn't the model be someone you want Archie to eat? One of those pro-bottom trawling politicians or whomever has your Neil article?

 

[bigGdelta]

Giant Squid sue to keep Neil Diamond on the surface. " Nuclear waste is one thing but smaltzy 70's singers is going too far" said Archie Dux lawyer for the plaintiff.........

 

[um...]

This might explain all those whale strandings. It's either the lucky ones who've managed to escape onto the beach, or the ones who have gone mad and come ashore looking for neurotic women.

 

[Tintenfisch]

The East Grinstead Sentinel actually called me to confirm the truth of this before it went to press. I had to admit I had heard some distressing rumors along these lines, and was concerned, along with several others, about this being the final insult, triggering the invasion of land and destruction of the human race by an outraged contingent of our squid overlords. The Sentinel then asked whether anyone was planning to boycott this cruel and unusual baiting method...

"I am," I said!

 

[bobwonderbuns]

The East Grinstead Sentinel actually called me to confirm the truth of this before it went to press. I had to admit I had heard some distressing rumors along these lines, and was concerned, along with several others, about this being the final insult, triggering the invasion of land and destruction of the human race by an outraged contingent of our squid overlords. The Sentinel then asked whether anyone was planning to boycott this cruel and unusual baiting method...

"I am," I said! (by Titenfisch)

Well I believe her!