A Rambling Cephalopod Narrative:

Her Majesty's ship, the Hello Kitty, came on with a rush...white spume rising ahead of her plowing bow as she began to overtake the hapless research vessel...but some on board the seemingly helpless ship were unloading long crates that held stubby tubes with eyesights and seeker heads...
 
they were.................PARENTS...........who had opted out of this field trip in the hopes of a nice quiet time at the dentist having teeth pulled with no anaesthetic by a hulking brute of a dentist who drooled saying "it's alive......it's aliiiiiiiive!"
 
Damned if they were gonna be intimidated by a gaggle of screaming urchins, spiny or mammalian! Frenetically unloading the warheads, the fearless platoon of militant soccer moms chanted mantras of encouragement to the persecuted teuthoid leviathan:

"Oy gevalt, bubbeleh, for those little pishers you're getting all fa-klemt? Listen, you keep frowning like that, your face is gonna freeze that way forever. Nu, don't say we didn't warn you!"

The Kraken's massive hearts rallied at the reassuring sound (its own mum, Zrgnyqrvlppppwxfzk the Sea Hag, having perished 194 years earlier in an unfortunate blender accident). Meantime, Eric -- still struggling to come to grips with reality after the double shock of seeing the loathsome beast in his boat and Sir Stephen in his black lace teddy -- summoned all his inner strength and called out, "Lock and load!"

Warheads at ready, the serried ranks of soccer moms stood at attention on the deck, as the gargantuan H.M.S. HELLO KITTY unrelentingly bore down on the smaller vessel.

Somewhere, an armadillo hiccuped.

And then....
 
.... and the fuses went dead.

"Yo, wazzup?" yelled soccer mom Eleanor Rigby, picking the rice (from a church where a wedding had been) from her frizzled cerulean blue hair.

"It's the TONMO writers," replied a panic-stricken Eric, "they've abandoned us! Bugger-all, no one but a coupla smart-arse sheilas bothers to post anymore, and even those two're runnin' outta ideas. What happened to Colin? Where're Phil an' Dave an' Adam? Did Tony fergit about this thread? Why isn't Pauline sketchin' a nice piccy o' the friken Kraken? AN' WHERE THE BLUIDY 'ELL IS THAT KNOBBY-KNEED RUNWAY MODEL WANNABEE O'SHEA??????????"

The silence was deafening.

Somewhere, an abnormally big-eyed anime girl was moving her lips to amateurishly unsynchronized English dubbing.

And then.... IT happened!
 
"Baka gai-jin no tabako.... doozo!" Tossing away the half-smoked Camel with utter contempt, Mitsuko frowned and self-consciously tucked her 42DD's further into the neon magenta baby-tee with "I'm Looking for a Kiwi Boyfriend" embroidered in hot pink kanji that threatened to rip out from the strain on their skin-tight threads.

Eric noticed and self-consciously tucked his eyeballs further into the sunken bony sockets that threatened to pop out from the strain on his aging but still active libido.

The Kraken retched and self-consciously tucked his feeding tentacles further into a crawlspace on the deck, as the prow of the HELLO KITTY collided against the shriveled hull of the dinghy with a sickening thud.

"O'SHEA, GIT THE @$#!@$!# OUT HERE BEFORE YE LOSE YER BLUIDY DINGHY!!" bellowed Eric, clinging for dear life to the nearest flotation devices he could get his hands on....

Mitsuko shrieked and slapped his face.
 
"You're not :heart: HIM:heart:"


Where upon she started to shriek like a whistling kettle come to the boil..........the shriek got louder and louder and louder, blood started to pour from abused eardrums and eyeballs started to pop.......like luscious grapes between the pearly white teeth of a gorgeous bronzed male model.............er...........eyeballs started to pop and...................................
 

Shop Amazon

Shop Amazon
Shop Amazon; support TONMO!
Shop Amazon
We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon and affiliated sites.
Back
Top