A Bit of Python...


TONMO Supporter
Nov 19, 2002
The Dead Architeuthis Sketch

A customer enters a pet shop with a squid in a tank on a trolley.
Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Architeuthis what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the New Zealand Pink...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead squid when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable squid, the New Zealand Pink, idn'it, ay? Beautiful seizing tentacles!
C: The tentacles don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the tank)
'Ello, Mister Pretty Polyp! I've got a lovely fresh Patagonian Toothfish for you if you show...(owner hits the tank)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the tank!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the tank repeatedly) 'ELLO POLYP!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes a tentacle out of the tank and thumps its on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
C: Now that's what I call a dead squid.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! New Zealand Pinks stun easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That Architeuthis is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged convolution of the mantle.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the abyssal trenches.
C: PININ' for the ABYSSAL TRENCHES?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he sink onto his back the moment I got 'im home?
O: The New Zealand Pink prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable squid, id'nit, squire? Lovely statoliths!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that squid when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been suspended in the water in the first place was that it had been TIED there.
O: Well, o'course it was tied there! If I hadn't tied that squid down down, it would have squeezed up to the sides of the tank, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this squid wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This squid is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't suspended ‘im in the water 'e'd be pushing up the plankton! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's out of the water column! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-ARCHITEUTHIS!!
O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of Architeuthis.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: I got a bimac.
C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it attract media interest?
O: Nnnnot really.
O: Look, if you go to my brother's aquarium in Monterey Bay, he'll replace the squid for you.
C: Monterey Bay, eh? Very well.
The customer leaves.
The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false moustache.
C: This is Monterey Bay, is it?
O: (with a fake moustache) No, it's Ipswich.
C: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.
Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly...

Excellent! Well done. :lol:

Ack! I can't help myself...

Scene: A cafe. One table is occupied by a group of Vikings wearing horned helmets. Whenever the word "squid" is repeated, they begin singing and/or chanting. A man and his wife enter.

Man: You sit here, dear.
Wife: All right.
Man: Morning!
Waitress: Morning!
Man: Well, what've you got?
Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and squid; egg bacon and squid; egg bacon sausage and squid; squid bacon sausage and squid; squid egg squid squid bacon and squid; squid sausage squid squid bacon squid tomato and squid;
Vikings: Squid squid squid squid...
Waitress: ...squid squid squid egg and squid; squid squid squid squid squid squid baked beans squid squid squid...
Vikings: Squid! Lovely squid! Lovely squid!
Waitress: ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and squid.
Wife: Have you got anything without squid?
Waitress: Well, there's squid egg sausage and squid, that's not got much squid in it.
Wife: I don't want ANY squid!
Man: Why can't she have egg bacon squid and sausage?
Wife: THAT'S got squid in it!
Man: Hasn't got as much squid in it as squid egg sausage and squid, has it?
Vikings: Squid squid squid squid... (Crescendo through next few lines...)
Wife: Could you do the egg bacon squid and sausage without the squid then?
Waitress: Urgghh!
Wife: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like squid!
Vikings: Lovely squid! Wonderful squid!
Waitress: Shut up!
Vikings: Lovely squid! Wonderful squid!
Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon squid and sausage without the squid.
Wife: I don't like squid!
Man: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your squid. I love it. I'm having squid squid squid squid squid squid squid beaked beans squid squid squid and squid!
Vikings: Squid squid squid squid. Lovely squid! Wonderful squid!
Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.
Man: Well could I have her squid instead of the baked beans then?
Waitress: You mean squid squid squid squid squid squid... (but it is too late and the Vikings drown her words)
Vikings: (Singing elaborately...) Squid squid squid squid. Lovely squid! Wonderful squid! Squid squi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-d squid squi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-d squid. Lovely squid! Lovely squid! Lovely squid! Lovely squid! Lovely squid! Squid squid squid squid!
:lol: That's great Jetlee! :notworth:

The Cephalopod Shoppe

Customer: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cephalopod Emporium!
C: Ah, thank you, my good man.
O: What can I do for you, Sir?
C: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through "Cephalopods of the World" Kir Nesis, and I suddenly came over all cephish.
O: Cephish, sir?
C: Teuthic.
O: Eh?
C: 'Ee, Ah wor 'ungry-loike for clever stuff!
Or: Ah, hungry!
C: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented ink will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Nesisian activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cephalopods!
O: Come again?
C: I want to buy a squid.
O: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!
C: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
O: Sorry?
C: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!
O: So he can go on playing, can he?
C: Most certainly! Now then, some cephalopods please, my good man.
O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
C: Well, eh, how about a little red Ocythoe.
O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Ocythoe, sir.
C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Octopus vulgaris?
O: I'm afraid we never have those at the end of the week, sir, we get them fresh on Monday.
C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four specimens of Wunderpus, if you please.
O: Ah! ........ They's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting them this morning.
C: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Spirula please?
O: Sorry, sir.
C: Red-spot Night Octopus?
O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
C: Ah. Sepiola?
O: Sorry.
C: Eledone? Grimpoteuthis?
O: No.
C: Any Norweigan Japetella, per chance?
O: No.
C: Loligo?
O: No.
C: Lace Bottletail Squid?
O: No.
C: White-spotted Octopus?
O: No.
C: Diamondback Squid?
O: No.
C: Double-spot Octopus?
O: No.
C: Crusty Nautilus?
O: No.
C: Heteroteuthis?
O: No.
C: Metasepia, Onychoteuthis, Stauroteuthis, Gonatus, Allonautilus, Bathypolypus, Nototodarus, Sandalops, Watasenia?
O: No.
C: Vampire Squid, perhaps?
O: Ah!...........We have Vampyroteuthis, yessir.
C: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
O: Yessir. It's..ah,.....the ink’s a bit runny...
C: Oh, I like it runny.
O: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.
C: No matter. Fetch hither the belle Polyp du Satan! Mmmwah!
O: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
C: I don't care how runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
O: Oooooooooohhh........!
C: What now?
O: The cat's eaten it.
C: Has he.
Owner: She, sir.
C: Long Argonaut?
O: No.
C: Enteroctopus?
O: No.
C: Caribbean Reef Squid?
O: No.
C: Smoked Architeuthis?
O: No.
Cr: Japanese Pancake Devilfish?
O: No, sir.
C: You...do *have* some cephalopods, don't you?
O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cephalopod shop, sir. We've got--
C: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
O: Fair enough.
C: Uuuuuh, Moroteuthis.
O: Yes?
C: Ah, well, I'll have one of those!
O: Oh!...........I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Moroteuthis, that's my name.
C: Granelodone?
O: Uh, not as such.
C: Uuh, Rossia pacifica?
O: no
C: Mesonychoteuthis,
O: no
C: Ammonite,
Or: no
C: Belemnite,
O: no
C: Danish Silurian Nautiloid,
O: no
C: Czech Devonian Bactrites,
O: no
C: The Cretaceous Pierre-seaway giant Niobrarateuthis?
O: Not *today*, sir, no.
C: Aah, how about a bimac?
O: Well, we don't get much call for them around here, sir.
C: Not much ca--It's the single most popular pet octopus in the world!
O: Not 'round here, sir.
C: and what IS the most popular cephalopod 'round hyah?
O: Dosidicus gigas, sir.
C: IS it.
O: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manusquire.
C: Is it.
O: It's our number one best seller, sir!
C: I see. Uuh...'Humboldt squid, eh?
O: Right, sir.
C: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
O: I'll have a look, sir... nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
C: It's not much of a cephalopod shop, is it?
O: Finest in the district!
C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
O: Well, it's so clean, sir!
C: It's certainly uncontaminated by cephalopods....
O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Vulcanoctopus, sir.
C: Would it be worth it?
O: Could be....
O: Told you sir....
C: (slowly) Have you got any Vulcanoctopus?
O: No.
C: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
O: Yessir?
C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cephalopods here at all?
O: Yes,sir.
C: Really?
O: No...........Not really, sir.
C: You haven't.
O: Nosir. Not a specimen. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.
C: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
O: Right-0, sir.
The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner.
C: What a *senseless* waste of human life.
joel_ang said:
I kinda like the last ending :twisted:

Well, you've got the Monty Python team to thank for those Joel. Those skits above were just silly corruptions of classic sketches. I must admit, reading the scripts always makes one laugh no matter how many times you have seen the originals.

Remember the fish slapping dance? :goldfish:
Phil said:
I must admit, reading the scripts always makes one laugh no matter how many times you have seen the originals.

Remember the fish slapping dance? :goldfish:

Indeed... I now get all Monty Python episodes "On Demand" through digital cable... such a treat!
And then, there's this sketch from Episode 32:

Mrs Jalin: George.
Mr. Jalin: Yes, Gladys.
Mrs. Jalin: There's a man at the door with a moustache.
Mr. Jalin: Tell him I've already got one.
Mrs. Jalin: He says do we want a documentray on molluscs.
Mr. Jalin: Molluscs!
Mr. Jalin: Oh, molluscs. I thought you said bacon.

Enter Mr. Zorba, who stands behind a plywood mock-up of a television set and bores the Jalins to tears before moving on to a discussion of molluscan reproductive strategies.

Zorba: Yes, the mollusc is a randy little fellow whose primitive brain scarcely strays from the subject of the you know what.
Mrs. Jalin: Disgusting!
Mr. Jalin: Ought not to be allowed.
Zorba: The randiest of the gastropods is the limpet. This hot blooded little
beast with its tent-like shell is alays on the job. Its extra-marital
activities are something startling. Frankly I don't know how the
female limpet finds the time to adhere to the rock-face. How am I
Mrs. Jalin: Disgusting.
Mr. Jalin: But more interesting.

A mollusc specialist with a moustache who does documentaries liberally spiced with details of marine invertebrate's sex-lives...hmm...let me think....



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